Chavez Aids Canada

Sources close to President Bush and Secretary of State Condeleeza Rice confirm that plans are underway for an invasion of Canada. White House and Pentagon sources have long believed that there is a "Beer Gap", and that premptive war is needed to assure Americans that there will be plenty of beer for the essential football tailgating planners have long expected. House Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi says the Canadian Army will win the war, and asked "How much blood is a pint of beer worth." Congressman John Murtha says that our troops will not be able to survive the onslought of Canadian firepower, and that Canada will be another Vietnam. Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez commented, " This is just the kind of thing we should expect from an alcoholic running-dog imperialist. We can see the same thing in the American invasion of Antartica last year."

Existential Threat

The cockroach leading Al-Qaeda in Iraq has stated that they mean to destroy America. Hear that, Michael Moron? They want to kick us out of the region. Hear that, Cos? These people want to destroy America. Bruce Ackerman, take notice. Mr. Ackerman doesn't think that Al-Qaeda is an "existential threat" to America. Al-Qaeda means us just as much harm as the Confederate army or Hitler did. What Al-Qaeda shares with Hitler (and, unfortunately, American liberals) is a desire that we awful Americans butt out of world events. The language of Al-Qaeda is almost the same as that from Nancy Lugosi and the other crackpots who have taken over their party. The Democrats of 2006 are shallow, and cannot be fairly compared with Franklin Roosevelt. Did FDR ever say that events abroad didn't affect us? Did 1941 Democrats say that we should let a rogue regime alone, no matter how they violate the rights of their own and other peoples'? Al Qaeda wants us to withdraw to our national borders, so that they may have free reign to invade "traditionally Muslim" countries like Austria and Spain. These people are fanatics, and if we don't stop them now, the time will come when we are alone in the world.